I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
