You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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