Duck Duck Cougar?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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