Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
