if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Randomize
