After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
