11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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