Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
