I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The uberlube is also flammable
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
