This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
