Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
