I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
