The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
this is an emotional support booty call
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
