Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
