I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
