I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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