i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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