A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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