Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
