Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
