Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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