So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
