I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just had sex on a roof
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
