how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
