Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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