awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
