Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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