I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
