i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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