Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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