Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
