if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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