Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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