i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize