why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
