I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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