Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
