I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
pray to the hookup gods
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize