i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
