Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
