I got chris browned last night
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
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