That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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