I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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