Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
PANTIES FOUND
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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