My room smells like vodka and shame
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
