i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
