he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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