If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
My balls are so social today.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
