my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Let's get the cat blown out
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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