If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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