just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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