Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
someone threw a dead crab at me
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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