do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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