She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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