i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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