Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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