I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
