i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
