Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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