Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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