guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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