The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
