I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
