if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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